Question by Savage serenity: I previously asked a question here on “answers” that offended my wife- what can we do about this?
Okay- this is how it happened. My father in law sometimes says negative racial slurs. There are also members of my own family that say racist things. I don’t approve of them. I got mad at my FIL yesterday, because he was singing “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas”- he then proceeded to remark that he didn’t want no “black people” in his house. I just found the song to be tasteless, irreverent, and most certainly unChristian. This is not a joke, this really did happen.
So I came here to answers to vent some of my anger. I asked a question that did say “my Father in law is a racist imbecile- what should I do to deal with it?” I deleted the question some ten hours later. My wife knows my passwords, so she has access to these questions and answers (she will eventually be reading this very question). She confronted me about the question, and I told her yes, that I did ask it, and that I deleted it later, because I felt guilty.
I apologized to her, and said that I love and respect my FIL (which I do). I just don’t approve of racism. And he is such an intelligent man- he is almost a genius, in fact. So I fail to understand why he is racist. He is very well educated, and his daughter has black friends. I love the man, and it hurts my heart to see him spouting out hatred like this. He is a father figure for me, because my own dad left when I was very young. I am disappointed in him in this regard. Am I entitled to my feelings?
What about this boundary issue- does my wife have the right to check all of my private questions? Have I wronged her by having asked that question, then deleted it? I have apologized, so what more needs to be said or done about this?
Please help- I want any advice. I also want to hear from other Christians about this situation. Thank you in advance.
What should I do?
Best answer:
Answer by crazyem
It concerns me that your wife is checking up on you. You have right to your feelings, though make sure you speak up and don’t only rant online.
Give your answer to this question below!
hello, well lemme ask you this, Do you give your wife privacy on the computer. She obviously has insecurities by checking your things on the computer and Yes it does cross the trust issue I would explain to her that it is wrong to check on your things if I give you that right assuming you do and tell her that you are changing your passwords and explain that you don’t do it so why should she? Yes you have the right for these feelings and I would be upset if my husband done this to me BUT a long time ago I did it to him and he said this to me that he gives me my privacy and friends and fully trust me and I should do , and so I stopped, if you do not have trust in a marriage it will not work. Bottom line change your passwords and if she can’t understand why you feel the way you feel i’d seriously consider a separation.
You are entitled to your own feelings. You are also entitled to not appreciate her fathers offensive comments.
You also have the right to vent some anger if his behavior was that offensive to you. Wouldn’t she rather you did it anonymously on YA than cause a family scene? I think the fact that you came on here and asked showed that you are mature enough to find a non destructive way to vent your anger while also searching for possible helpful advice.
I really don’t see why she is upset about it. I understand that is her father but it is anonymous and not like he was being publicly shamed.
She should know you and her father well enough to know there is a bond and a great deal of respect there, and any question you wrote was not due to a dislike of him as person.
As for your YA privacy….That really is for the two of you to decide if that is off limits or not. My husband can look at anything he wants whenever he wants. Having said that though, if he was constantly checking to the point I felt it was an insecurity or trust issue rather than curiosity, I would be displeased and be looking to address and rectify that issue.
I can understand why you would write here instead of talking with her about it – she probably thinks it’s perfectly normal, she’s grown up with it and she’s somewhat immune. My dad can be racist sometimes, I just ignore it because I think of it as another of his old-school mentalities. It’s certainly inappropriate and unacceptable that he should say racist things, but I know it would also be pointless to get into an argument with him about it.
From a Christian perspective, I know he’s not perfect, which is why I don’t model myself on him, but on Jesus Christ. It’s not always easy to communicate with others about their own Christian path, but in my view leading by example, and sometimes very explicitly and deliberately so, is better than confrontation. Personally I wear my non-racism on my sleeve and am not ashamed of it before anyone.
You are entitled to your feelings and to voice them. The fact that you came on YA to vent seems pretty harmless to me. It’s not like you are running around town telling all the neighbors that your FIL is a racist imbecile. Maybe your wife would be more comfortable if you talked to your FIL about how you feel about this.
On a side note: I have a very good friend who spews racial slurs from time to time. I don’t approve of it but I know for a fact that he is not really racist. He has friends that are the same race as the ones he makes comments about. He treats all people equally-and yes, he makes fun of his own race too. He makes outrageous comments as a joke and sometimes just to get a rise out of family and friends (he does keep these remarks to himself in public). I know it’s immature. I just ignore him when he does this. My point is that maybe your FIL is not racist either-maybe he thinks he is being funny.
Better to let it out here anonymously than to blurt that line of questioning out at the Christmas dinner table. She needs to focus on why you are upset about this and how to keep it from boiling over into something that is likely going to damage the family unit without actually affecting any change in his racist behavior.
Also, be careful not to put this man on a pedestal. Respect and admiration are one thing. Just remember he is human and not without faults.
RE: the question of privacy- Yes you do have the right to expect privacy in this case.
Maybe your wife has some issues with trust and she checks your YA. You should talk to her about those issues, but if you block her out totally, that might cause more problems at this point. My H could read mine too, but doesn’t bother. If he did decide to, I would like it if he discussed things with me rather than just read things I wrote. “Nothing to hide” is the best thing for a marriage.
Your FIL… wow, I can relate to that. My father was awful when he talked about Blacks. It used to make me so upset, and I would always ask him to keep it to himself when my kids were around. It was crazy because he had many FRIENDS who were black. He lived in a town where, at the time, very few Black people resided. The only times he really commented was when he would see some kind of crime or news on TV. It was often enough for me though. I loved the man. In all other ways, he was gentle and giving and loving to everyone. He didn’t get upset with me when I asked him not to speak like that around my kids or ME. He would just shake his head. Towards the end of his years, he did ease up a bit.
Maybe you should gently mention that it bothers you next time your FIL displays racism in your presence. Maybe your wife should. If you’re writing to an anonymous board about the matter, obviously it bothers you enough to discuss it. It’s good that you care deeply for him and if he knows that, it will be easier to let him know how you feel.
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It’s a bit like a diary … use it to vent your fustration except your getting feedback & everythings anonymous … nothing wrong with that & definitely nothing wrong with the way you feel … your entitled to your own opinions & like your FIL … as backwards as he sounds … he’s entitled to his. Agree to disagree. As for your wife, discussions with her would be helpful, but sometimes an outside prospective helps. The privacy issue … if you’ve got nothing to hide, then it should be all good, so access shouldn’t be too much of a problem unless she’s checking it 24/7 then it’s an insecurity problem which needs to be dealt with.
you do have a right to your feelings because they are yours,and your wife should understand that,my wife has access to my email and if she questioned me about it i would just say they are my feelings and she would let it go.as for your father in law,just tell him to stop in your presence because you dont appreciate that kind of language.
You were right to find the humor in poor taste and indicative of a bad attitude. You were wrong to publicly call your father-in-law an imbecile. You were right to delete your question and apologize, and to post this question acknowledging the error.
You should consider apologizing to your father-in-law, because he was the one who was publicly defamed. That might be an occasion to gently admonish him about racism. Otherwise, you should probably try to put the incident behind you.
A good rule for posting questions is to give them a cooling off period before posting. I collect my questions in a small notebook, and usually don’t post any particular question until weeks later. Sometimes I discard questions that no longer seem appropriate.
Cheers,
Bruce
Well, I’m black. How about you let me talk to your FIL. I will set him straight on his racial views against blacks. Time to move on from that racial crap it aint cute anymore.